Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Khaleeji Soap… So Cliché

So once again Ramadhan is upon us all. We would like to take this opportunity to wish you all a spiritual and pleasant Ramadhan. You can have a great month by steering clear from morons who apparently increase during the holy month because every single motherfucker out there gets cranky. But that’s not our topic for today as we have spoken about it before and although “التكرار يعلم الحمار”, it doesn’t teach ignorant people who are below animals, even brainwashing doesn’t work with these lowlifes.

<--- Shooji… dyke

We will be talking about the Khaleeji soap operas that flood our screens and TV stations throughout the month, coupled with other idiotic shows such as real bad comedy series or stupid quiz shows such as Shooji and other crap that fills the screen. Only a few shows are actually worthy of watching while the rest lacks any kind of creativity and you tend to watch a series of repeated shit. Just watch one Khaleeji soap opera which means that all the other crap shown follow the same storyline but with different pattern, different ugly characters and different timing. Therefore there would be no need to be torn apart by switching channels whenever you hear “إحنا هنا هنا يابن الحلال، محمصة الجزيرة آخر جمال...”.

On with the show…

LiB’s Top 10 Khaleeji Soap Opera Clichés (in no particular order):

10. The mansion: Seems like everyone lives in a mansion, not just any mansion, I’m talking about the works, MTV Cribs style, with marble flooring, big ass rooms, imperial furniture, 10 car garages and swimming pools, and surprisingly, they are meant to be the “middle class” family in the series (WTF!)… On the other hand, you might have the poor side of the community shown, which they are usually seen living in one of those crappy old skool houses used for shows like “ferjan lawal”, they’ve been using that same studio since 1879!

A “middle-class” Khaleeji home according to our soap operas!

9. The bad seed: Every family seems to have a bad son, that loves nothing more than to party, get drunk and hook up with prostitutes, or/and a bad daughter that happens to be the prostitute! The family members are never aware of their children’s actions, not until somehow by the end of the series, someone discovers it, and thus we get...

8. The heart attack: Usually the father is the one that ends up with it, and it usually occurs after they tell him he’s either broke… or his daughter is a prostitute! This scene usually is the climax of the series, where everyone tries to put their shit together and stick together during the hospital scenes…

7. The will: There’s always a rich dad that’s either already dead or dying (refer to #8) and the fathers will is what his children will fight over during the series, and thus comes the infamous line “Babee3 3iqaraat el walid…”, don’t these fathers invest in anything else other than properties? I would love to see a show where their dad turns out to be a pimp!

6. The date: Every lover in Khaleeji soaps has to end up on the same date, wither it was a secret date or they were engaged, they always end up in some hotel like restaurant with crappy “Kenny G” music playing in the background, and of course, we cannot forget the HUGE fruit drinks in front of them, topped with everything but the kitchen sink; and a tiny umbrella of course.

5. The thought: No Khaleeji soap is complete without an “inner thought” moment, that’s where the camera focuses on the actors face, sad violin music played in the background, and you hear the actor’s voice echoed “as if he’s thinking”… all of course without moving his mouth, but sometimes you see him lifting his finger up when he just thought of an idea, or with his palm on his face when he’s worried (… and the Oscar goes to…)

4. The comic relief: No matter how serious the soap is, there has to be the idiotic character(s) that whenever they show up, you hear the Pink Panther theme song playing, the scenes where they appear usually involves some sort of scheme planning, but since they are idiots, they end up in a (not so) funny scene… gosh I didn’t see that one coming!

3. The Makeup: No Khaleeji soap is complete without the Halloween make up, every girl has to look like either a Goth or a drag queen, tons of eyeliner and whitening crap, long dark fake looking hair (in most cases, they are!), and the disgusting puffed up lips… I know… no amount of make up or any makeup artist around the world could change the fact that these bitches are fugly, but could you make it a bit more realistic? I mean seriously, who the fuck wakes up, gets out of bed with a face full of makeup and a dress that looks fit for a wedding? Even if the bitch is dying… on a hospital bed… full makeup!!

2. The wedding: Someone somewhere at some point of the series has to get married, if it’s the lead role its usually a happy wedding, and its somewhere near the end, everyone’s happy blah blah blah, but sometimes it could be the wedding that changes the course of the series, that’s when the father decides to marry a 2nd wife, a much younger, pain in the ass bitch kinda wife that everyone has to hate, which usually leads to #8 again, but this time with the 1st wife as the one being hospitalized… The weddings are usually very tacky with the most disgusting outfits and make up you have seen in your life (if you thought #3 was too much, then I wouldn’t watch this with a mouth full), and these weddings usually have like 2-3 guests in them (obviously due to the budget, as most of it went to create the bride's face).

And of course… the mother of all clichés… we cannot forget:

1. The Slap: ahhh the infamous dramatic soap slap, you have waited 28 episodes to see that bitch eat palm…you heart is filled with joy and satisfaction as you hear the echoes of the slap bounce across your living room… justice is served.

Fuck this shit; I’ll go watch me some Will & Grace… oh wait


Blogger ammaro said...

you know, I really couldn't have said it better... But you have to admit this year's BTV shows dont fit into any of those categories, they've managed to sink into a deeper pithole of unjustified crap that smells like 2 week old kebabs forgotten under the bed.

2:06 AM, August 15, 2010  

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