Work Work…. Zug Zug….‎

Have a boring desk job? Hate your job? Well at least you get 2 days every week of ‎no work … Having a hard time passing those long 8 hours? Well let’s face it; everyone ‎who has a desk job has to have one of those “useless” days… so look no further… Here is ‎the official LiB guide on how to waste time during working hours. (This information was ‎gathered through people who have desk jobs in both private and government sectors…but ‎mostly government, who apparently have no real jobs). ‎

• Check your emails: especially after weekends. Don’t have a lot of emails? ‎Well don’t worry, join email chain groups, send emails to everyone on your ‎contacts, and eventually, your inbox wouldn’t be able to handle the incoming ‎load of crap you’d be getting.

• Play something: your PC is your friend, if you’re one of the lucky ones that ‎sit in the corner, then you would probably recognize such classics like ‎Solitaire, Minesweeper. Or for more advance slackers, try installing a first ‎person shooter classic, like Doom. Or strategy game classics that would run ‎on any office PC, like WarCraft, StarCraft and let’s not forget the all-mighty ‎Command & Conquer. If you happen to be one of the unfortunate people ‎who work with people behind you, here’s a tip, practice on the Windows ‎built-in games, play them as minimized as possible, work on your screen ‎minimizing skills as quickly as possible in case someone walks behind you. ‎Oh, and adjust your chair high enough so that you back would cover the ‎screen, and if you’re a big guy, then you’re one lucky fuck. Oh, and if you have a Java and Flash based browser and you have internet access at work, you might wanna have a look at some cool time-kililn' games on www.popcap.com.

• Send more emails: if your tired from your chain mail readings, or if you ‎think people are getting suspicious of you reading emails all the time. Then ‎try sending emails to people you know (friends/family). Send them a “hello ‎I’m bored” email, but try to make it look as if you’re writing an official work ‎related letter.

• Browse the internet: sadly I’ve heard that some people do not have access to ‎the Internet at work, I say quit your fucking job, what kind of a bullshit ‎company are you working for that doesn’t have internet access? Anyways, ‎browsing is always a time waster, try looking into cool sites like ‎maddox.xmission.com or lifeinbahrain.blogspot.com, these sites don’t ‎usually have much graphics, so it would look like you’re doing some ‎research on the web. Even a better classic way is to keep the browser ‎window minimized until fully loaded, then quickly “CTRL+A” to select the ‎entire page and text and another quick "CTRL+C" to copy the page then “CTRL+V” to paste into a word document, and ‎then you’d be able to read it at full screen as slowly as you want, cause word ‎documents mean work, apparently.

• Bathrooms, the other resting area: whether you’re feeling like taking a shit or ‎not, the bathroom is always a good place to hangout. Lock the door, grab a ‎seat, take a nap if you want, or start playing with some of your mobile phone ‎games, people who have pocket PCs can watch an episode of their favorite ‎sitcom, or even some porn.

• Smoking breaks: you cant help yourself, if you’re a smoker you can fake a ‎nicotine dose rage attack by flipping a few papers of your desk, and just say ‎‎“I need to clear my head” then storm off the office. Have a smoke whether ‎you wanted one or not, and make yourself a nice cup of coffee, maybe read ‎the newspaper while your at it. If you're not a smoker, it's never too late to start! It will help you get those extra needed breaks ;)

• Look important: having mobile phones is a necessary tool, having 2 mobile ‎phones is perfect. Try to use your “other” mobile phone to make a phone call ‎to your office phone (the reason you need another phone so that people ‎behind you wouldn’t recognize the number on the caller id). Try to have a ‎fake conversation with air, agreeing a lot, then look at your watch, agree ‎some more, and shout the words “ill be right there”, then storm off, holding ‎some papers/notepad would be icing on the cake.

• Watch your back: if you’re running around the offices in your building, use ‎your mobile phone. You can use your “other” mobile to call yourself (so ‎people would actually hear the ringing), then fake a conversation with ‎yourself (try to make it look important). While running around the office, ‎wave at people you know, if you find anyone interesting (like a hot new ‎chick), try to finish off your fake conversation and sit down for a talk. ‎According to my observations around the office, I know a colleague who ‎does that, to the extreme, he runs around all day talking to everyone in the ‎company (just bullshit chit chat). After 4 months, he was considered the most ‎recognized person in the company, and in 5 months he was promoted by ‎doing absolutely nothing, so this method has its benefits for bullshitters.

• Online chatting: if your IT people are so damn strict that you can’t have chat ‎programs on your PC, look no further! Get a pocket PC and install a chat ‎program, meet girls and talk all day, the perfect time waster.

• Lunch…work’s most anticipated hour: take a long lunch break, lunch usually ‎takes half an hour, but you can go shopping, have some coffee/dessert, run ‎personal errands, extending it up to 2 hours. And if you get a call from the ‎office, you can use excuses like: “there’s a traffic jam on the highway”, “my ‎car was low on fuel”, “I got a flat tire” or “I had a meeting”.

• Running away: there are millions of way to run away from work, make good ‎excuses like “I need to pick up my wife” or “I need to take my car to the ‎garage” or “I have a doctors checkup appointment” or the classic “my head ‎really hurts I need to lie down”.

• Make a website: if you really couldn’t waste time yet, you can always make ‎your own website; working on a website looks like you’re doing some ‎important work, and if you don’t know how, learn! Waste hours and hours ‎learning how to make websites or create flash cartoons.

• Make your PC look busy: simple way is opening a lot of old word documents ‎and presentations in the background, open some folders in your computer, ‎the file search screen is always a hit, also, try to find a presentation with ‎graphs and just stare at them. ‎

• Throw a meeting: this sadly goes to the management levels of slackers, if ‎you want to really waste time, throw a meeting discussing something you ‎already discussed, try to pick a fight or let your colleagues argue with each ‎other, then sit back and laugh at them.

• Write stupid articles: like this one, and publish it to other morons across the ‎globe.

Damn! 5 more hours to go, fuck this I’m going to the toilet….now where’s my mobile ‎phone?