Cinemaniacs and cine-retards...

Tired of sitting at home all day beating your head against the wall? Tired of driving around the streets of Bukuwara or Jid-Ali* over and over again til you run out of fuel or brain cells? Tired of sitting in the coffee shops inhaling Sheesha smoke til your lungs bleed? Well, let’s face it, there’s not much else to do in this country. Your only options are either sitting still in a dark room silently like an idiot, or stuffing yourself with meeno and crystal like the pig that you are.



A popular alternative (whether alone, with a group or with a member of the opposite sex) is going to the cinema and watching some old movie (yes, old! we get movies like 6 months later than the rest of the world! Well, maybe before Sri Lanka). On a more positive note, the cinemas here did improve a little bit. I remember the days when we had to wait for a whole year for a movie to come out! But those days are over, thanks to DVDs and torrents! We can watch a clear cinema quality movie on our home theatres, complemented with a 5.1 digital surround sound systems. But no matter how good your system is, you can't beat the huge projector screens or the booming sound of the cinema speakers. Popcorn at the cinema always tastes better than the shit u microwave at home too!

Now I’m gonna take it easy on the theatres we have here. I mean I know they're shit compared to the ones abroad, but they did improve. They aren’t as crap as Awal Cinema, and we use to go there religiously in our simpler younger days! Today's topic is mainly about the cinema goers.

A-HOLES! One of the many words that describe the scum that keep going there. I’m not saying everyone that goes to the movies is an idiot. In-fact, there are so many dedicated movie fans who go there (believe it or not) for the sake of just watching a movie! You can spot them sometimes. The next time you go to the movies, wait til the movie starts and look around. You might see some people that are actually WATCHING the movie, as opposed to the cine-retards that have alterior motives.

Why? Is it really cool to throw an annoying comment in the middle of the movie out loud so you and your friends laugh out like a bunch of good for nothing morons? Is it really cool to howl like a cartoon wolf whenever you see a bit of cleavage (we're talking PG-rated cleavage) and then laugh like a bunch of fucking retards about it? Is it really necessary to switch seats while the movie is running? Is it really cool to laugh like a bitch during a serious plot-significant scene?

We've all been there. We were all teenagers at some point right? Loud, obnoxious, rebelious... Hey, it's all part of growing up. But these morons are over 25! How much more growing up do you need dickwads?! You and your buddies don't fucking own the cinema, it's there for other people too! It ain't your fucking living room you stupid fuck. It's a public place!

Sadly its not just the “guys” that are fucking everything up, the girls are at it too, with their annoying non-stop giggling, or the loud drooling over Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp. No, seriously. I had to sit next to a bunch of 16-year-olds during the “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie, and all I kept hearing was “oh he’s so hot, he’s so cute, I wanna marry him…”

TAKE IT OUTSIDE BITCH! I didn’t pay to hear some goddamn bitch feel herself up whenever Johnny Depp comes up! Do that shit at home you skank!

Speaking of annoying bitches, here’s another incident that happened recently: I was at the movies the other day and had a bunch of empty seats next to us. Then some women came and sat in these empty seats. Apparently, those seats belonged to some other people who came in a bit later. So the guys who actually owned the seats came in and were all confused and shit. They told the security guy who works there, and the guy just replied “So? Just sit wherever.” And the sad part is, that those guys (I actually felt sorry for them although they were the loud shitty type) were seated apart after they had booked their tickets together and BEFORE those bitches came in. What the fuck is that all about? What’s the point of booking tickets when fucking ill-mannered hussies can walk in and take my Goddamn seats? I didn’t come early in the morning to buy fucking tickets for a midnight show, just so some bitches in short skirts can just waddle in and take my damn seats! That’s some fucked up shit! As with any other system in this country, there are rules. But does anyone give a fuck about them? HELL NO! It's like they're saying "Rules are for sissies." Well then call me a law abiding sissy, but you will always be dicksucks to everyone!

Thank God those laser pointer days are over. But you never know, these fuckers always come back with something new and improved! And what about those annoying loud 3araboo** ring tones on their mobile phones? How many times do you have to be reminded to switch off your fucking phone?! Clearly displayed on the big fuck-off screen in front of you just before the movie starts is a kind request to switch off your phone before so everyone can enjoy themselves, written in both English AND Arabic. Would you like the cinema usher to come and switch it off for you? OK then we'll also get a toilet attendant to hold your dick while you piss and wipe your ass when you're done taking a dump in his lap you lazy jerk-offs!

And what's with all the Saudi people? Not all of them are fucks but a lot the ones that come to Bahrain are. I know they don't have any cinemas back home (what a stone-age country) and that they come here to escape the pressures of their dull constricted lives. However, when you go to the cinema you should stay quiet and watch the movie (the occasional laugh in a comedy is permitted), not shout your lungs out about the Ethiopean hooker that slapped you the day before! There are Arabic subtitles available so Arabic (as you don't understand a word of English) so it's no excuse for you to ask outloud "duuuhhhh what did he say?"; that is, if you can even read Arabic you iliterate camel jockies. What the hell? One time I was watching this really cool film, and this Saudi fucker kept kicking my chair and he and his loud Bedouin fucks for friends were talking fucking loudly (and again, I mean football stadium loud!). Gladly, the cinema usher told them to shut up, which they did... for about 5 minutes. Rules and etiquette just don't apply to you people, do they? Next time, I will be bringing some lighter fluid with me. And whoever makes the slightest noise will get a generous splash to sting their eyes, and the last thing they'll see is the slow motion of a lit matchstick floating towards their face. Respect my right to enjoy a film in peace motherfucker! Respect my authoritaaah!

Blow this... I'm renting a DVD.

* These are "congregation roads" that guys and sluts drive through, back and forth, for hours on end. Known as "love streets," they are the vessels that harbour the bad habit that was induced by sheer boredom of the Bahraini (and Gulf in general) youth.
** (Arabo) of Bedouin origin.

To check the latest movie schedules, check out the Bahrain Cinema website and the Dana Cinema website.